A Funny Thing Happened...

Not funny as in “ha ha,” funny as in "this is strange!"

A while ago I was helping a relative load a machine onto the bed of a pickup truck. It seemed like a doable job for two men, no problem. Let's just say we underestimated the task. After exerting maximum effort we finally got it. Then that "funny" thing happened.

I was feeling all proud and relieved when my heart started racing, I could not breathe, and I started getting dizzy.  I found a place to sit. About thirty seconds after sitting down a wave of nausea hit me. I was certain chunks were going to be hurled. I stood and braced myself on the side of the garage waiting for the inevitable. It never came. After about three minutes, the nausea subsided, my breathing and heartbeat stabilized, and I went on with my life.

-(spoiler alert)- Doctor says I'm fine, so I still haven't made definitive funeral arrangements yet.

But here's the thing, I momentarily sensed this might be my imminent death.

I'm going to confess that for a teensy tiny micro-split-second, I freaked out! What stays with me about that experience was my internal dialogue at the peak of this episode:

"WTF??. ... THIS is how I'm gonna die?!?! ...WAIT!!!"

In retrospect, what a bizarre thought! First of all, why should death NOT come as a surprise? What makes me feel entitled to an heroic death rather than a mere plebeian demise?  Why would I expect my last memory to be "I went out in a blaze of heroic glory" rather than "pity, I just over-exerted myself."  My guess is I may be slightly conceited.  

And most puzzling to this 99.95% atheist, when I yelled WAIT!!!, to whom or what was I yelling? 

Sadly, when push came to shove, I revealed myself as just another vain, self conscious, ego driven human being like everyone else. Tsk, tsk.

When I didn't lose consciousness, my “courage” started to reappear. I recovered and passed it off as no big deal, nothing I couldn't handle. But in the deep recesses of my mind there is now a gnawing suspicion that I'm probably not going to live forever so I'd better make some contingency plans.... just in case.

What the hell is going to happen when I die? Has anyone ever thought of that?


I'm working on it.